


I'm Closer Than I've Ever Been Before

by orphan_account



Category: Broadway RPF, Phantom of the Opera RPF
Genre: F/M, look just don't hate me, warning for language and sexual situations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-06
Updated: 2014-06-21
Packaged: 2018-02-03 14:37:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1748129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He feels guilty that he doesn't feel guilty at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What's Going On In That Beautiful Mind

**Author's Note:**

> If your name is Ramin Karimloo or Sierra Boggess just turn around. You didn't see anything. 
> 
> Also I am aware that this chapter is more like a blurb....sorry about that.

     At first, he tried to tell himself that it was a bad habit. That was all it was. Nothing else could explain it. He could quit just as easily as he could quit anything else. Nail biting, smoking, cheating on your wife with your former co-star-those were the kind of habits that were easy to break, right? But here he was, looking at his untouched nails, no cigarette in his hands, and still with another woman in his arms. He had the face the facts, which was that this wasn’t just another bad habit, and that when it came to the fruit of temptation, he had eaten the whole bowl.

     He hadn’t meant for it to happen. He hadn’t expected to get a little too tipsy at an after party and kiss her. He sure as hell had not expected for her to kiss him back, and for her to keep kissing him again and again. He hadn’t expected to have the most passionate experience that he had managed to have with any other person, and especially with one of his best friends. Which is why when they woke up, he tried to make their first time, their last.  
   

     ”Look, Sie, it’s not that you’re not gorgeous, I mean you’re stunning, but I can’t….I just…”  
     

     ”I know, I know. It’s fine Ramin.”  
     

     ”I really love you, you know I do. And you were incredible. But Mandy…”  
     

     ”Yeah, of course. I think we both had a little too much to drink and things got out of hand. It’s fine. Really.”  
     

     And yet, here they were, months later, lying in Sierra’s bed-in what seemed to be thir default position-his arm around her and her head laying against his chest. It seemed like this was the only time they had to talk anymore. Every other time that they saw each other became a blur of tearing off clothes and kissing whatever skin was visible. They still talked, but it was only in a post-orgasmic haze-or for Ramin, a post-orgasmic guilt filled haze.  
They had stopped trying to make excuses for it. At the beginning they at least tried to cover it up. Soon “Want to go get dinner?” turned into “My door is open. Be here in ten.”

     Ramin was always there in eight.

     As much as they talked about everything else in their lives, they never talked about what they did together (unless you count “Fuck yes, faster.”, as a discussion, which really didn’t seem to be the case). After that first time, they realized that some things went better unsaid, and as long as they could act like best friends all day and have sex at night, things were going to be fine.

    Still, that didn’t stop him from worrying. That didn’t make him forget that he had a wife back in London, and it certainly didn’t help that Sierra didn’t seem to have any problem in getting him to her place. He had to face the facts, that he didn’t mind being in Sierra’s apartment, and in her bed, and that the only thing he was guilty about was that he should be feeling sorry.  
Yet he wasn’t.


	2. You're Crazy and I'm Out of My Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, if you are named Ramin Karimloo or Sierra Boggess I ask that you go back to singing and not read this story. Chapter title from John Legend's "All Of Me". Story title from "Say It To Me Now" by Glen Hansard.

      It hurts more than she lets on. It hurts her every time he gets out of bed to call Mandy. It hurts her every time he says her name, and it sure as hell hurts when she sees her on his arm. If she had known the pain it would bring her, she wouldn't have done it. She would never have kissed him back if it meant sending out late night texts and praying that he answered. Ditching dates that her friends would set up, avoiding going home with the guys that would hit on her at clubs, all because of some guy that wore a mask and won her heart. 

     She couldn't deny that it was just his looks that attracted her to him. He was gorgeous, sure, but he was funny and sweet and talented and every time she thought of her ideal guy, he fit the description. It didn’t help that he was her phantom. He couldn’t expect her to not fall a little in love with him. Except that recently it became apparent that she wasn’t just a little in love, and it was starting to eat away at her.

     The short-lived part was the thing that bugged her. The fact that she could get him to her apartment and could get him to leave just as easily was heartbreaking. Sure, if she had to be frank about it, the sex was great. It was incredible and passionate but it she had started to want more than just a physical relationship with him. She wanted to be best friends with him, and also wake up with him next to her and fall asleep with him wrapped around her. She wanted a relationship that didn’t end after she came.

          That’s why when she found herself cuddled against him, she lifted herself up and promptly said.

           “I can’t.”

           “What?”

            “I can’t do this anymore.”

            “Look, if we think about it, we both can’t do this anymore but that doesn’t-“

            “But nothing. Ramin, we can’t have this kind of relationship.” She took a deep breath. “I think we should go back to just being friends.”

            “We always were friends, Sie. What else are we?” The words seemed to hit her in the gut, and she felt herself start to unravel.

            “What else are we? What else do you think?” She stood up and started to put on her clothes. “Friends do things like go bowling and going out to dinner. Friends don’t send each other texts to hook up.”

            “Sie, listen-“ That seemed to push her over the edge.

            “No, you listen! Friends don’t fuck each other! Friends don’t cheat on their wives with each other! Friends don’t break other friends hearts!” She sat down on the edge of the bed and felt tears starting to prick her eyes. “Please…just leave.”

           “If we could just talk. You know that our friendship means so much to me.”

            “Ramin, please. Please leave.” She didn’t turn around as she heard Ramin get up and get dressed and proceed to walk out.

            The only thing she was left with was an empty bed and the tears threatening to spill over her eyes.


	3. I'll Go With You to Countries I Never Saw and Shared With You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, if your names are Sierra Boggess, Ramin Karimloo, or Andrew Kober, I would first like to say that I am a big fan, but I would also like to say that you should stop reading.   
> Go back to singing, you marvelous creatures.

     His life had managed to fall into a routine. Wake up, work out, eat, do work, do a show, sleep and repeat. It wasn’t long before every day felt like a week and every month felt like a year, and in the span of a few days he had lived a lifetime. He was just going through the motions, trying desperately to get to his day off where he could skype with his kids and relax.

            Most of all, he wanted to call her. He wanted to see her, and not even get into bed with her, but just talk to her. To hear her voice again and joke around, and maybe sing a song. But he did like he had been asked. He had deleted her number from his phone and had tried to pretend like nothing happened. He owed that to her, he had probably hurt her enough.

            It had been weeks, and he had tried to get back into the life he lived before. He talked to Mandy more often, even though she noticed something was off (who couldn’t), and he put his life into his music. Still there was that lump in his throat that refused to go away, and it was driving him crazy.

            He was snapped out of his train of thought by the slamming of a Starbucks cup on his dressing room table. “Here’s the deal, Karimloo.” His head shot up to see Andrew looking down at him with an all-knowing grin. “You’re either going to tell me what’s wrong over this cup of coffee, or I’m going to take away the coffee and force it out of you.”

            “Wow, what a tough decision, Kober.” Ramin deadpanned as Andrew sat down.

            “So what’s the problem? Money? The mob? Are you pregnant?” He asked, chuckling at himself.

            “It’s nothing. I’m fine, really.”

            “Recently you’ve been moping around. Do you know who you are? You don’t do that.” His face softened. “Look, you know that if there’s a problem, you can talk to me, okay? Really, if there’s anything that’s bothering you, just let me know.”

            “I slept with Sierra.”

            “Well that was forward.” It was like he had set off a trap. Once he started talking, Ramin couldn’t stop.

            “I didn’t mean to, we just went to a party and we got a little drunk and things happened…and kept happening. It’s not that it was bad, I mean, it was amazing, but she’s my best friend and Mandy-“

            “Wait. How long has this been going on?”

            Ramin stared at his coffee.

            “Okay, I’m going to say a number. You’re going to tell me if it’s higher or lower.” Andrew stated. “A week.”

            “Higher.”

            “A month.”

            “Higher.”

            “Two months.”

            “Higher.”

            “Jesus Christ, four months?”

            “We have a winner.”

            “Fuck. That’s rough.”

            “Tell me about it.”

            “Have you talked to her? Or to Mandy?”

            “I can’t tell Mandy. I can’t break her heart.”

            “And Sierra?” Ramin let out a sigh.

            “She told me that she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. She made me delete all contact information, swear not to talk to her, everything.” Ramin explained. “I don’t know what to do.”

            “Well, maybe it’s for the best.” Andrew said.

            “What do you mean?”

            “I mean, this is a good way for you two to break it off. Just a clean split. You can tell Mandy, but at least you have Sierra taken care of.”

            “It’s not that simple, Kober.”

            “Why the hell not?”

            “Because I think I’m in love with her.”


	4. You Can Set My Broken Bones, and I Know CPR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're in a Broadway show, don't read this. I'm warning you now.   
> Chapter title from Fight For Me from Heathers: the Musical.

     It was someone at the stage door who brought it up.

     “Do you hang out with Ramin anymore?”

     “Um…it’s been a while since I saw him.” It was all she could say before she waved goodbye to the rest of the crowd and left. She must have seemed pathetic, she thought, walking down the streets of New York City crying. She wasn’t some character out of a romantic comedy that ran away at the sight of conflict…but here she was running away at the mention of his name.

     She had been doing so fucking well. She had started doing more yoga, going on a few dates every once in a while, and trying to smile at everyone. Hell, even Norm had started calling her “Sunshine”, and according to everyone else, she was doing fine. She had started to believe it herself, until that one person had to bring it all tumbling down.

            It was her fault that they weren’t talking…or doing anything else. She wasn’t going to blame an innocent person for asking a question. Even if it made her stomach hurt, and her heart pound, and made it feel like the streets were closing in on her and she needed to get out quick. She ran in to the first somewhat empty place she could find, some pub that advertised having the best beer in New York. She sat down just in time to start crying next to the bowls of bar nuts and barstools.

            She screwed up, in more ways than one. She had managed to make a man cheat on his wife, and the thing that she hated herself for the most was the fact that she had cut off all contact with him. There was no way to fix the situation without causing a thousand more problems, and it sucked more than she could explain. So, she did the only reasonable thing she could think of.

            “Can I have a sangria please?”

            She couldn’t tell how long it had been. Five minutes, five hours? Who knew. All she knew was that the room was starting to spin and get blurry, and her words seemed to fall together as she spilled her story to the bartender.

            “And I…I fucked up, you know? I had a great guy and I fucked everything up. You know it’s funny. In Les Miserables…I’m not sure if you know it, it’s a show. There’s this line that goes ‘he was never mine to lose’ and it’s like…it’s like that’s my life now.” She felt the tears beginning to prick her eyes. “If you would excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.”

            As she stood up, she felt the ground shift underneath her, and she would have fallen over if it wasn’t for the hands that grabbed her before she hit the ground.

            “Whoa there.” She looked up.

            “Andrew? What are you doing here?”

            “Okay, we’re gonna get you home.” He said, standing her back up. He managed to walk her back to her apartment. It wasn’t until she got home that she broke into sobs.

            “He’s perfect, Andrew. He’s perfect. I screwed up.” She said, hiccupping and stuttering. Andrew brought her over a glass of water and sat down next to her.

            “It’s alright, Sie. Everything is going to be alright.” He rubbed her back, but to no avail. Sierra was still inconsolable.

            “How can it be alright when I’m in love with a guy that’s married? How, Kober? How?” She asked him.

            “Just trust me okay? Everything is going to be fine. It’ll all work out. Now why don’t you try to get some sleep?” He asked.

            She didn’t know when she had managed to fall asleep, but she woke up with a pounding head and a heart that hurt.


	5. Stay On My Side Tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, if you are named Ramin Karimloo or Sierra Boggess, I would highly advise you to go back to the theater and not read this. Chapter title from "Disintegration" by Jimmy Eat World.

            When he opened his door, the last thing he expected to see was her.

            “Mandy! What are you doing here?”

            “Nice to see you too.” He was stunned. Without announcement there she was, in the flesh. He felt his heart jump and he wasn’t sure if it was due to excitement or fear. He just had to act normal, which was proving to be a difficult task.

            “Where are the kids?”

            “My mom agreed to watch them for the weekend and I thought that it would be the perfect time to surprise you!”

            “Well, you got that right. Um..come in!” The next few hours were spent catching up over lunch, her telling him about how the kids were doing in school and how things were back home.

            “So, I was thinking, since you don’t have a show tonight, that we could go see a show.”

            “Mandy, I don’t know, I mean to get tickets this late would-“

            “Well that’s the thing, I already got tickets.”

            “Really? What might we be seeing this evening?”

            “I have to mezzanine seats to Phantom of the Opera.” Ramin felt his heart drop into his stomach.

            “Are you sure you want to see Phantom? I mean you’ve seen it a million other times.”

            “Yes, but never with Norm! Plus, I already paid for them. We’re going. It’s final.” She said.

            “Well…if you insist.”

            That was how he found himself sitting in the Majestic Theatre next to his wife, sweating bullets. He knew that there was nothing to really worry about. It’s not like he Sierra was going to see him in the mezzanine and stop the show to talk about their affair. He just had to watch her as Christine ( _his_ Christine), and try desperately to not let himself feel anything besides respect for her. He promised that he would leave her alone, and he meant it.

            Throughout the show, he managed to remain pretty calm. Of course, the only time he even remotely did anything was when she first came onstage and he felt the need to catch his breath. He still couldn’t help his mind from wandering when she was alone on stage. She was simply incredible, he couldn’t deny that.

            At the end of the show, he felt his arm being shaken by Mandy.

            “Hey, do you think we could go catch up with Sierra? It’s been a long time since I’ve seen her.” He felt the lump form in his throat.

            “Oh I don’t think so. She’s been swamped lately. Besides, I do have a show tomorrow. Let’s just head home?”

            Mandy sighed. “If you insist.”

            He woke up the next morning with no one beside him. He padded out of his bed, to find Mandy sitting at the table with a cup of coffee in front of her. She looked exhausted.

            “Jetlag?”

            She stayed silent.

            “Mandy? Are you okay?”

            “I’m not jetlagged, Ramin.”

            “Alright, so what is it? You don’t look like you’re having the best morning of your life. Come on! We’re in New York together! We can go do something.”

            “Ramin, I can’t.”

            “What do you mean you can’t? Your flight doesn’t leave until eight tonight. We have tons of-“

            “No. This. I can’t do this anymore.”

            “Do what?”

            “You and me.”

            “I don’t think I understand.”

            “Ramin, I want a divorce.” Mandy said. She looked distraught. “I thought that if I came here that it would fix everything and how distant we’ve been…but it’s just gone away, hasn’t it?”

            “Mandy, I think you need to think this over.”

            “It’s not the same anymore, Ramin. We both know it. Plus, I saw how you looked at her.”

            “What?”

            Mandy took a deep breath. “I was watching you last night at the show and…you looked at her the way that you used to look at me.” The words stung, because the truth behind them was astounding.

            “I’m sorry. There’s nothing else I can say besides that I’m sorry.”

            “I want you to be happy, okay? I’m not going to make you as happy as she will.”

            “Mandy, you’re an amazing person-“

            “Ramin, you’re in love with her. Please don’t make this more complicated than it has to be.” Mandy gave a weak smile at him. “Good luck with everything.”

            “You’re leaving?”

            “I switched my flight to three. I figured that once I told you, I wouldn’t want to stay all day.”

            “You don’t have to leave.”

            “Trust me, it’s easier if I do. Goodbye, Ramin.”

            With that, she was gone.


	6. Don't Give Up On Me Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you know these people, don't read this. If you are these people I would like tickets to your shows. 
> 
> Chapter title from "Meant to Be Yours" from Heathers the Musical.

     ”@SierraBoggess do you have pictures with Ramin?”

     ”@SierraBoggess are you happy that @raminkarimloo was there?

     ”RAMIN IS AT PHANTOM #RIERRA”

     The last one got at her more than she expected. She was shocked after checking her phone to find that Ramin had been there, and frankly she was furious. She wanted to scream. He had promised her he would cut her out of his life, and yet he came to her show? It was infuriating. 

     The curiosity, however, was far too much. She picked up her phone again, and started thumbing through the messages she had been receiving. So many were about how unhappy she had been looking, and if something was wrong. Was it really that obvious? Had she truly been acting differently because of him? So many were asking why she hadn’t tweeted, or why she didn’t smile at the stagedoor. It was heartbreaking. It wasn’t only affecting her anymore, it was affecting her fans. 

     It wasn’t long before she was overcome with tears and anger. She had screwed up so much, and it was all his fault. His fault for kissing her first, his fault for not stopping it, and his fault for being the most perfect man she had ever come across. It was his fault that she fell in love with him, and his fault that when he first smiled at her when they walked into a meeting for “Love Never Dies” that she fell head over heels in love. 

     This needed to stop. Her blood was boiling, and before she could stop herself she had already placed the phone to her ear.

     ”Hello?”

     ”Kober, I need you to do me a favor.”

     ”I’m good for most things besides murder. Except, of course, if there’s money involved, in which case I’m good for anything.”

     ”Andrew, I really don’t need you to joke around right now.”

     She could hear him sigh on the other line.

     ”What do you need?”

      “I need you to get me Ramin’s phone number.”

     ”What? No fucking way.”

     ”Why not?”

     ”Look, no reason, can we ignore this?”

     ”No, Kober, tell me the damn reason.”

     ”Was it a requirement of the cast of Love Never Dies to pester me at all hours of the day? Just know that it’s for good, not evil.” 

       ”Andrew, I’m going to need you to listen to me. I am a woman who is having a rough time right now. If you want me to stop calling you at all hours of the day, then help me out!”

     ”If I do help you, you have to promise to never tell him that it was me okay?”

     ”Thank you. I owe you.” She responded. Soon she received a text, and hit the first link she saw.

     ”The caller you are trying to reach is unavailable. Please, leave your name and number at the beep.” 

     ”Ramin, I’m sick of this. I’m sick of not being able to smile next to people who want to see me, and I’m sick of trying to pretend that it’s not hurting me to hear about you. I just want this to be over. I want you to leave me out of your life and not come to my shows. I told you that I wanted this to be done, and you still are trying to show up. Look, I am trying to make this as easy as possible for you to have a good relationship with Mandy, even if it hurts me.” She felt her voice begin to crack. “You need to leave me alone and figure out your life. It’s so much better for the both of us if we just cut each other off now. It hurts me as much as it hurts you but it needs to happen, okay? Goodbye, Ramin.” 

     She hung up the phone and promptly began to burst into tears. She hated this, she hated being apart from him. But he was married, and she had to respect that, even though it killed her. 

     She must had dozed off on her couch after crying, because she was woken up to someone knocking at her door. She got up and looked in the mirror quickly and tried to make herself look somewhat decent and opened the door.

     ”We need to talk.” And there he stood. 


	7. Where The Rest of The Dreamers Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, thank you guys for all the kudos left on the story. I REALLY appreciate it, seriously.   
> Chapter title from Daydreaming by Paramore

 ”We need to talk.”

     ”What are you doing here?” 

     ”Can I come in?” Ramin asked. Sierra just stepped to the side and closed the door after him. “Your place looks good. Did you paint it?”

     ”Did you come here to discuss paint? Because if that’s all it is you can leave. I’ll have no problem with that.” Ramin just sat down on her couch. “That’s it? You’re going to sit on my couch after you told me you needed to talk? That’s just great. I’m so happy that you’ve chosen to do this. Can I get you anything? A drink? Maybe some filet mignon?” 

     ”I got your call.” Ramin said. Sierra stopped.

     ”So that’s what this is about? Look you know that phones work both ways, right?”

     ”Sierra, I think you’ve heard a lot of things that aren’t true and-“

     ”What’s not true Ramin? You were at my show the other night. People saw you there. What am I misinformed about? Was there something I missed? Was your wife there?” Suddenly it was deathly silent. “Oh my god! Mandy was there? You brought your wife to my show?!”

     ”Ex-wife.”

     ”And not to mention that you let-wait what did you say?”

     ”Ex-wife.” Ramin repeated. “Mandy is my ex-wife.”

     ”Since when?”

     ”Since two days ago.”

     ”…Why?”

      “I believe her words were something along the lines of ‘I thought that coming here could work everything out, but it made me realize the truth.’” Sierra sat down next to him.

      “The truth? She knows?”

      “No. Not really.”

      “Then what was the truth?”

       ”That I’m in love with you.” Sierra froze. She got up and started pacing. 

      “No. No no no no no. You are not coming to my apartment after not talking to me for weeks and take your wife to my show and then tell me that you’re in love with me. You can’t just do this, okay?” She said.

     ”I’m…I’m sorry.”

     ”Don’t apologize for being in love with me! Why do you have to make this so difficult? I should be so pissed at you. I deserve to be pissed at you.” She said.

     ”Then why aren’t you?”

     ”Because I love you too, you dick!” She said, seeming to not realize what she was saying. She continued to stand there. Watching silently as Ramin got off her couch and walked towards her. 

     ”If you love me, and I love you, then what is the problem?”

     ”I can’t remember.” And with that, she brought their lips together. 

     She hated to sound cliche, but it was like the hole that was in her heart was filled. It was like she was whole again, and happy. They finally broke apart and Ramin wiped away the tears that she hadn’t realized had fallen.

     ”Kober is going to kill me.” She said. “He told me not to do anything stupid  with your phone number and I’m pretty sure this qualifies as stupid even though it ended in a good thing but still I mean…can you just kiss me again?”

   ”Happily.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, there it is! I'm pretty sure the next chapter will be the last. I hope you guys enjoyed :)


	8. How Can I Carry On?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it....thank you guys so much for being such an awesome audience to write for.
> 
> Once again, if your name is Ramin Karimloo or Sierra Boggess or Andrew Kober or really if you know any of these people personally turn away. Just do it. Go sing. Go act. Don't do this.
> 
> Chapter title from S.O.S by ABBA

Hadley really didn’t deserve it. What did he do? Sing a few songs with them? Be in a few shows? Totally bullshit. He deserved to be up there making the toast, and instead he was in the position of a groomsman. A groomsman! He got them together. He put up with them. Yet, he was forced to drink free champagne and chocolate lava cake. Which, admittedly, was not the worst result in the world. 

     He couldn’t deny that they were good together. They were goofy, and sweet, and it sounded so cliche, but they completed each other. Still, Hadley got the recognition as the best man. And sure, while his speech was sweet and funny and maybe made him tear up a little bit, it didn’t stop the fact that he was a little underrepresented. 

     Of course, he couldn’t complain at this event. It seemed such a long time coming, and he knew just how difficult it was to get here, and he knew that it didn’t really matter who got the title of what, all that mattered was that they were sitting together at that elongated table and smiling at each other like no one else was around. His thoughts were interrupted by Ramin’s voice coming over the microphone.

     ”Excuse me, everyone. I’d just like to take a moment to thank you all  for coming out today. It really means a lot to the both of us that you would come to be with us on this amazing day. We love you all, and there’s an open bar, so drink up!” Ramin said, before sitting down and giving a kiss to his bride. 

     He made his way over to the table where they sat.

      “So, I guess I shouldn’t have ever doubted giving you his number, huh?” He asked Sierra.

     ”I guess not.” She replied, and smiled up at Ramin.

      “Mate, seriously, I want to thank you for everything. I really owe it all to you.” Ramin said.

     ”Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Andrew said. “I’m going to go get increasingly drunk, have fun you two.” 

     As the night went on, it became increasingly obvious that he had made the right decision is helping them out. He had never seen them happier, and the way they looked at each other almost made him tear up…almost. It sounded so stupid that the Phantom and Christine ended up together, but with them, it rang true.

     So he supposed he could ignore the fact that he wasn’t the best man. Instead he had a gorgeous date, an open bar, and he was watching his best friend marry the love of his life.

      Quite honestly, it was worth it. 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much!
> 
> Also, thank you to Loren for being such an amazing support system when I was writing this. It's been so helpful and I owe you a ton.


End file.
